In what was a mostly tongue in cheek
#catholicgrlprob tweet, last night @JackieFrancois tweeted about that “awkward
moment at Mass when you’re between your boyfriend and best friend and don’t
know who to give peace to first”.
This prompted a range of responses-- @ATLenahan answered, “always the boyfriend
first! If she is a besty she’ll
understand”.
I replied that I disagree, stating “bff before bf. unless there’s another friend, creating a row
of 4. Then normal laws of balance
apply”. @CatholicDrinkie agreed with me,
and @LT_TheBiblegeek sided with @ATLenahan, saying he was correct, “bff ought
to support discernment, unless they are unhealthily codependent… ;)
This conversation was evidence of a lot of things. First, look at what happens on twitter when
it’s not retreat or conference season…
We spend Saturday mornings analyzing Catholic habits, presumably hyped
up on caffeine… However, I also thought
@JackieFrancois’ tweet… and the
subsequent responses (and I only shared the highlights—there were more) brought
up something important: the importance of friendship-- especially among single Catholic ladies. As girls complain more and more about the "drama" among them, the gift that is friendship can be overlooked*. And it shouldn't be.
I know that each vocation holds it’s unique challenges, but
for a second I want to address single Catholic women in their late twenties /
thirties/ (and up) and the friendships that form, should you find yourself in
this state of life. Unlike our peers who
found their soulmates in college or soon thereafter, we have navigated the
“lawless post-apocalyptic wasteland” that is dating in the “real world”. We’ve attended more wedding, bachelorette and
baby related functions and been privy to more conversations on NFP and children
than I believe men in “equivalent states of life” could possibly understand.
It is these friends—these fellow single Catholic ladies—that
you call or text when you have just come home from a long day of work where
co-workers have asked and told you you’re
still single because you were too picky to go out with their neighbor’s nephew
a second time—after he spent the first date asking you, “what, dude, you’re
Catholic? So like, you believe what that
guy in Rome says about like, condoms and stuff?” and you arrive home to find a
mailbox stuffed with wedding and shower and baby related communications and
you’re ready to settle and go out with whoever asks you next—if that even
happens-- or just join the convent already.
It is these gals that you call to regain your sanity. They remind you that you’re not crazy for
feeling overwhelmed. Or lonely. Or frustrated. Or just really really tired. And, it’s these ladies that remind you not to
settle. To wait for the right guy. To not settle for “almost” and to wait for “God’s will”.
Then, when you do think you’ve met Mr. Right, they’re the ones
that talk you into going on the second date (even though you’re worried about
being disappointed) and help you see how this person’s gifts complement
yours. The friend who can listen to you
talk on and on about how a date was just right—when their last one was
catastrophic. The friend who googles
temperaments and helps you understand that “those weird things he does” are
actually part of his God-given personality and what makes him just right for
you. The friend who helps you realize
what’s best for you when—as we girls can sometimes be—you’re too spastic to
come to this conclusion on your own. We
do it with shoes, dresses, careers and dating.
Do guys do this too? I don’t
know. But it's not dysfunctional-- it's that we girls are relational and the more complex our lives get, the more we need a good friend to help us.
This isn’t co-dependence.
These are friendships that are necessary for Catholic gals these
days. These are friendships that a
boyfriend needs to understand as an ally in your discernment. And in a world where being a single Catholic
girl is pretty darn difficult, I’m going to honor these friendships every
chance I get.
I know that this twitter thread was mostly tongue-in-cheek,
and I know that in the grand scheme of things, who you give the sign of peace
to is not a deal breaker for any party involved. However, I needed to articulate why I give my
“bff” the sign of peace first. They know
I love them both. But it’s the “bff”
that helped me stay sane enough to find the “bf” in the first place.
Plus, as my “bf” said, “we hug longer. It’d be rude to keep her waiting”.
(Chivalry for the win.)
*a footnote… Ladies,
if you’re still a teenager or a young’un in college, understand that this is
why even though you may “like your guy friends more cause there’s less drama”,
it is SO important to have good girlfriends.
