friendship & all my single ladies...

In what was a mostly tongue in cheek #catholicgrlprob tweet, last night @JackieFrancois tweeted about that “awkward moment at Mass when you’re between your boyfriend and best friend and don’t know who to give peace to first”.

This prompted a range of responses--  @ATLenahan answered, “always the boyfriend first!  If she is a besty she’ll understand”. 

I replied that I disagree, stating “bff before bf.  unless there’s another friend, creating a row of 4.  Then normal laws of balance apply”.  @CatholicDrinkie agreed with me, and @LT_TheBiblegeek sided with @ATLenahan, saying he was correct, “bff ought to support discernment, unless they are unhealthily codependent… ;)

This conversation was evidence of a lot of things.  First, look at what happens on twitter when it’s not retreat or conference season…  We spend Saturday mornings analyzing Catholic habits, presumably hyped up on caffeine…  However, I also thought @JackieFrancois’ tweet…  and the subsequent responses (and I only shared the highlights—there were more) brought up something important:  the importance of friendship-- especially among single Catholic ladies.  As girls complain more and more about the "drama" among them, the gift that is friendship can be overlooked*.  And it shouldn't be.

I know that each vocation holds it’s unique challenges, but for a second I want to address single Catholic women in their late twenties / thirties/ (and up) and the friendships that form, should you find yourself in this state of life.  Unlike our peers who found their soulmates in college or soon thereafter, we have navigated the “lawless post-apocalyptic wasteland” that is dating in the “real world”.  We’ve attended more wedding, bachelorette and baby related functions and been privy to more conversations on NFP and children than I believe men in “equivalent states of life” could possibly understand.

It is these friends—these fellow single Catholic ladies—that you call or text when you have just come home from a long day of work where co-workers have asked and told you you’re  still single because you were too picky to go out with their neighbor’s nephew a second time—after he spent the first date asking you, “what, dude, you’re Catholic?  So like, you believe what that guy in Rome says about like, condoms and stuff?” and you arrive home to find a mailbox stuffed with wedding and shower and baby related communications and you’re ready to settle and go out with whoever asks you next—if that even happens-- or just join the convent already.

It is these gals that you call to regain your sanity.  They remind you that you’re not crazy for feeling overwhelmed.  Or lonely.  Or frustrated.  Or just really really tired.  And, it’s these ladies that remind you not to settle.  To wait for the right guy.  To not settle for “almost”  and to wait for “God’s will”. 

Then, when you do think you’ve met Mr. Right, they’re the ones that talk you into going on the second date (even though you’re worried about being disappointed) and help you see how this person’s gifts complement yours.  The friend who can listen to you talk on and on about how a date was just right—when their last one was catastrophic.  The friend who googles temperaments and helps you understand that “those weird things he does” are actually part of his God-given personality and what makes him just right for you.  The friend who helps you realize what’s best for you when—as we girls can sometimes be—you’re too spastic to come to this conclusion on your own.  We do it with shoes, dresses, careers and dating.  Do guys do this too?  I don’t know.  But it's not dysfunctional-- it's that we girls are relational and the more complex our lives get, the more we need a good friend to help us.

This isn’t co-dependence.  These are friendships that are necessary for Catholic gals these days.  These are friendships that a boyfriend needs to understand as an ally in your discernment.  And in a world where being a single Catholic girl is pretty darn difficult, I’m going to honor these friendships every chance I get.  

I know that this twitter thread was mostly tongue-in-cheek, and I know that in the grand scheme of things, who you give the sign of peace to is not a deal breaker for any party involved.  However, I needed to articulate why I give my “bff” the sign of peace first.  They know I love them both.  But it’s the “bff” that helped me stay sane enough to find the “bf” in the first place.   

Plus, as my “bf” said, “we hug longer.  It’d be rude to keep her waiting”. 

(Chivalry for the win.)

*a footnote…  Ladies, if you’re still a teenager or a young’un in college, understand that this is why even though you may “like your guy friends more cause there’s less drama”, it is SO important to have good girlfriends.

Transitions

In the past three months I led my first international mission trip, finished the youth ministry job I had held full time on Hilton Head since something like 2008, moved to Panama City, Florida and have begun my second ever full-time youth ministry gig at St. John the Evangelist in the Diocese of Pensacola Tallahassee. 

Whew.

Now, as I sit here sipping coffee in a lovely little apartment right on a bayou furnished far beyond my expectations due to the generosity of friends here, I’ve reached that point where I feel grounded enough in the present to be able to reflect on the last couple months and a share a bit. 

The Mission Trip

Click here to read my reasons for taking kids on an overseas trip.  

20 youth and adults traveled to Mustard Seed Communities in Nicaragua this past June.  From one youth minister to another, let me recommend this.  While we’ve had great experiences with domestic mission trips, the experience of traveling to another country really challenged us all and made us more aware of just how universal our Church is. Something unique about our trip was that we had a lot of diversity:  our youngest participant was a rising 9^th grader, we had teens, young adults who were married, single, in seminary and retirees.  The variety of gifts and perspectives was really enriching.  While I didn't plan to have so many different ages present, if I could do it again I'd make it a point!

I'd really recomend  Mustard Seed Communities as well—from a logistics perspective, they are attentive to our “first world problems” and take great care to provide meals and accommodations that kept us comfortable.  For years I had been afraid of an international trip, because I was all too familiar with the many things that can go wrong.  However, I never worried with Mustard Seed and would encourage youth ministers on the fence to take the plunge.

In addition, their ministry is very special-- serving the most vulnerable of society.  The home in which we stayed in Nicaragua housed teens and young adults with disabilities, and it was a real gift to interact with the kids and staff everyday.  There is a innate respect for the dignity of the human person present in this community.  Watching the staff care for the children was a powerful testimony to the reality that our worth doesn't lie in what we do but who we are.  

In case you missed some of my reflections on this trip:

The Island Packet:  Don't Let Technology Ruin A Good Conversation

Lifeteen.com:  What Are Your #FirstWorldProblems?

The Catholic Miscellany:  The Poor In Nicaragua...Witness to Christ

An Air-Mattress Free Summer

It seems that youth ministry and busy summers are inevitable.  Besides the actual move, this summer was the first July in years that I wasn’t spending most of it on the road.  Because of the timing of my move, I didn’t attend Steubenville Atlanta or Bosco and while I missed the community with my partners in catechesis, it was awfully refreshing to spend two months without constant demands on my nights and weekends.  While I’m excited to plunge back into a “normal” summer schedule next year, I’m also going to be a little more prudent with how much I commit to and remember how great it was to actually see friends and family (which is what I hear most people do in these lazy months).  

Transitioning Parishes

While I was sad to leave my hometown and a parish that had been so good to me, I’ve felt abundantly blessed in this process.  My parish hired a talented youth minister to replace me and she spent three weeks shadowing me part-time and was able to join us on our mission trip.  While I’m not sure how much I actually “taught” her in my scatter-brained pre-move, pre-mission trip state of mind, seeing how well she bonded with the teens, parents and staff left me confident that the youth ministry was in good hands.  As much as we try to not feel possessive about ministry and keep reminding ourselves that it’s all God’s, the reality of this cannot be escaped when the time comes to actually hand the keys to the office over to someone else.

Now, it's interesting to begin that "first year" in ministry again, this time with a bit more perspective.  As I begin a second first year, I'm finding that my priorities are very different from my first first year.  When I began as a young'un in my first parish, my priorities were to meet teens and fill a schedule.  This time, my priorities are prayer and building a network of volunteers and a Core team.  It's nice to approach ministry with the understanding that the Holy Spirit does this all a lot better than I do.  It's also nice to be in the business of getting to see, first hand, just how God provides.

leaving town...

I just cleaned off most of the top of my desk, and the surface was suddenly so inviting that it seemed like as good a time as any to pen a “good bye”.  That, and a chance to procrastinate from wiping off the dust bunnies hat have apparently been breeding in the corners that haven’t been touched since I moved into this lovely office  (For those who remember, the water holding the Holy Water is still resting where it dropped.  Still not sure what to do about that one.)

In addition to discarded sacramental containers, I’m encountering permission slips, fliers and pictures from events that I can hardly even remember the details of, because the memories of my time at St. Francis began when I started part-time in the fall of 2006 and surpass the 18 month average life span of a youth minister by quite a few years (I’d give you exact numbers…  But I’m a youth minister, not a mathmetician).  I have loved every moment here—  every retreat, every dodgeball, every slice of pizza discovered months later, wedged in the cushions of the couch…  even the night at camp that my air mattress was stolen and hidden in the ceiling of the boy’s sleeping quarters.  (Disclaimer:  it was found and returned in compliance with Diocesan safe environment policies).

I’ve been blessed to work with a wonderful and holy pastor, and priests who are a gift to the Church and a talented staff and parish community that has always been incredibly supportive of both me as an individual and the mission of youth ministry.  From volunteers who seem to work 80 hours a week to bake sales that net around $4000— it’s clear everyone in this parish loves to serve, especially when it’s for the kiddos. 

I say all this to assure everyone that my decision to move away from so many wonderful people was not an easy decision to make, nor do I think of it as even a “decision”, as much as God introducing new people and places into my life, showing me that while I am certainly comfortable here and it will always be my hometown, that it is when we leave the familiar that God works in ways we never imagined.  I am excited to share with the my facebook/blogging/twitter & anyone else I haven’t seen in a bit, that I will begin youth ministry at St. John the Evangelist Parish in Panama City, Florida in mid-July.  As much as I loathe the cliché, it is can only be described as bittersweet to be simultaneously saying “good bye” to family and friends here and be so warmly welcomed to the Florida panhandle by those I’ve begun to meet.   (Did I say that right?  Is it “The Panhandle” or “The Emerald Coast”?  I know it’s definitely not Disneyworld…  I may need to get a map.)  The point is, I’m very excited about where God is leading.

Although busy with packing and final transitions, the next few weeks are going to be a blast—I am currently working with a very talented youth minister who will be taking over as the director at St. Francis in July and get to spend my last week as youth at St. Francis leading 20 youth and adults on a mission trip to Mustard Seed Communities in Nicaragua from June 23-30.  I’m excited to be able to attend one more mass and fellowship Sunday when we get back into town on July 1 and, God willing, I’ll be moving to Panama City the first week of July to begin at St. John the Evangelist the next week.  

I tell myself that this isn’t really a permanent departure from Hilton Head (this is also what I tell my parents, as I stack boxes for them to store as I transition) since I’ll obviously be back to visit my parents and grandmothers.  I’ve loathed saying “good bye” to people, preferring instead to say, “I’ll be back to hang out”.  But behind that pithy response is the very real sadness to leave such wonderful family, Church and friends-- as evidenced by the fact that I’ve even started hugging people.

If I may selfishly ask for your prayers—for our new youth minister, for safe travels and an enriching mission trip, that housing in Panama City works out as I hope—but most of all that I, who much prefers sarcasm to sentimentality, can actually give a heartfelt “good bye” to all who have been so good to me for so many years.

But seriously, I really will be back to visit.

the last post from Starbucks...

I’m sitting in “my spot” at “my Starbucks”.  Hilton Head has a truly amazing Starbucks on the North End in Pineland Station.  The layout is awesome with plenty of cushy seats and a “vault” room for those who want a more conferencey setting.  The Baristas are some of the friendliest I’ve ever encountered.  It’s a multi generational crew who include moms, retirees, the occasional hipster and a gal who upon taking my order tonight excitedly showed me her engagement ring. Another barista just gave me a free pastry.  They’ve managed to to take a huge franchise and give it a truly hometown feel.  I love it.

I also love coffee, and people know it.  As a “gold card” holder, I receive gift cards all the time as tokens of appreciation, thanks and birthdays.  It’s a go-to and much appreciated gift for everyone who knows me.  And since I’m a brewed coffee fan-- I don’t need a latte, just a strong dark roast with a bit of cream so my gift cards stretch and I frequent this Starbucks several time a week.

This is why it grieves me that before I get up from this cushy chair, I will be going to www.dumpstarbucks.com and... well... dumping Starbucks.  However, I wanted to blog my reasons because I have an inflated internet-ego and live under the illusion that people sit at home, reading my tweets, dying to know my motivation for doing things.

It was recently announced that Starbucks has adopted “a corporate-wide position that the definition of marriage between one man and one woman should be eliminated and that same-sex marriage should become equally 'normal'”.   To clarify, they didn’t just take a passive, “I’m ok, you’re ok” position.  They’ve stated that it’s one of their “core values” and followed with legal action. It’s this-- their political involvement-- that I find offensive.

I believe that marriage was instituted by God when He created us as male and female, and I believe what the Church teaches-- that it is “ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1601).  Procreation between a man and a man or a woman and a woman is simply not possible.  Therefore, marriage between a man and a man or a woman and a woman is simply not possible.  Do I love my friends who are attracted to members of the same sex?  you betcha...  Just like I love my friends who choose to use contraception, have sex outside of marriage, etc, etc, etc.  I don’t go around boycotting people just because I disagree with their sexual morality.  Only befriending people we agree with is certainly not what Jesus would do.    My annoyance with Starbucks in no way transfers to anyone living the lifestyle they are seeking to promote.

It’s the audacity of Starbucks-- their attempt to re-define something that God did perfectly fine at creation-- that has me steamed (no pun intended).  It’s their decision to use resources acquired from my purchases to “participate in a legal case seeking to overturn a federal law declaring marriage as the union of one man and one woman.”  It’s this brazen involvement in politics and morality that I simply cannot support.  I realize there are other corporations that I should boycott and I invite you to point them out because these days, as a pro-life Catholic, it’m losing track. However, Starbucks goes first.  They are simply too outspoken to ignore.

But I am really going to miss these cushy chairs.

#StandUpRally

When my friend Anne was teaching English to some spunky Creole girls in Belize, she admonished Sandy Jones, one of the feistiest students in her class.  Sandy turned around and glared at mild-mannered Anne, an English Literature major from Boston who thought nothing of offering a bit of correction.  Sandy's eyes narrowed and she growled (in a tone that would haunt Anne for the rest of the semester and her adult life) "Miss...  You have ignited the wrong flame."  

Anne admitted that while she did not know what exactly that meant, it terrified her.  She learned soon enough that Sandy and her friends would make her life miserable-- talking back, questioning assignments, trying her patience in every way and tormenting subs to the point that no one would cover her class.  While she stood by her initial decision, she learned that she had, indeed "ignited the wrong flame".

Today, in over 140 cities nationwide, there will be rallies to stand up for religious freedom.  The hope is that our President and Congress will see that with the HHS Mandate-- forcing Catholics to violate their consciences and pay for contraception, sterilization and abortions-- they have ignited the wrong flame.  We will speak up, act up and-- if necessary-- resort to civil disobedience-- before we disobey our God.  

We have a cloud of witnesses-- a tradition of over 2000 years of saints and martyrs who have risked their reputations and shed their blood -- and have led us to this moment by their example.  Truth does not change, whether it's accepted and practiced by 100% or .01% of the population. 

Mr. President, you have ignited the wrong flame.  

If you're like me and unable to attend the rallies due to distance or work, do the following:

Pray!  Join the Memorare Novena here.

Share this fact sheet with your friends, explain that this is not a birth control issue, it's a liberty issue.

Call your congress person at the Capitol Switchboard 202-224-3121 and ask them to overturn the HHS Mandate.

Register to vote and vote for a president who will allow us to be Catholic.

#Fathers4Daughters, praying for @PPact

As much as I tell teens that it’s important not to say things on the internet you wouldn’t say in person, sometimes I forget this myself.  Especially these last few weeks-- feelings about abortion, the HHS Mandate, Planned Parenthood, even Susan G. Komen and Nikki Minaj—have been very strong.  

Like many, I follow Planned Parenthood’s twitter-- @PPact—to stay up to date on what they’re up to, and as a sort of evangelizing, I occasionally tag them in tweets when I want to respond to something they’ve said.  It’s the beauty of social media, that everyone has a chance to speak up.  

Yesterday, as I was responding to yet another tweet that I disagreed with, it occurred to me that @PPact is one of the few accounts I frequently tag that I don’t actually know in person.  And then, I began to think that it’s not Planned Parenthood tweeting, per se.  It’s a person.  Well, probably a team of people, but a person nonetheless.  

I started thinking about this.  Wondered about them.  I’m friends with a lot of people—both on twitter and in real life—who I don’t agree with.  I wondered if I met the @PPact tweeter, if we’d get along.  If we could make small talk about shoes and movies, outside of this huge issue that is at the forefront of our disagreements on twitter.  Anne Marie Cribbin and I even invited them to meet up with us for happy hour.  

After reading Unplanned by Abby Johnson, we’re all more aware of the importance of prayer in bringing about a culture of life.  In the middle of 40 days for life, let’s recognize the social media workers behind @PPact and pray for them, specifically.  Not as a nameless organization, but the tweeters, specifically.  They’re just as passionate as we are.  They do their job with a great deal of tenacity.  Their role in promoting Planned Parenthood is critical.  They need our love and prayers. 

There is a great presence of priests and fathers in social media.  Anne Marie Cribbin and Joia Farmer had the great idea to ask priests and fathers to specifically pray for the women behind @PPact.  Priests, who have the special privilege of celebrating mass, are asked to offer masses for @PPact… and announce it on twitter!  Use the hashtag #Fathers4Daughters—stating the truth in love—that God the Father has a plan for each and every life.  That fathers matter.  That spiritual and biological fatherhood changes lives in an earthly and heavenly way.   That the women of @PPact are known, loved and awaited by God.  

I’m praying, specifically, that the women of @PPact encounter the love of God the Father in a real way.  I’m praying that as I continue to speak up in my own little way, protesting what Planned Parenthood does and says, that I do it in charity—with a desire not to win arguments but souls.  

And, I’m praying that that happy hour happens.  Why not?  It’s Lent.  Go big or go home.  

Will you commit to pray for @PPact?  You don't have to follow them, but tweet them when you do.  Remember, love wins.

First Serve God

Originally published in The Bluffton Packet, February 15, 2012:

One of my favorite films is A Man for All Seasons.  Released in 1966,  it is an adaptation of the play by Robert Bolt and based on the life  of St. Thomas More.  If you haven’t seen it, the cliffnotes version is that King Henry VIII wants to divorce the queen to marry Anne Boleyn.  Furious that the Pope won’t grant a divorce, King Henry VIII demands  that his subjects take an oath declaring him the head of the Church of England.  St. Thomas More—a good friend of the King—refuses and is eventually beheaded for treason stating, “ I die his Majesty's good
servant but God's first.”

As everyone in England signs the oath, More’s colleagues see the danger in his refusal.  The Duke of Norfolk beseeches: “Thomas, look at these names! Why can't you do as I did and come with us, for fellowship!” to which More replies, “And when we die, and you are sent to heaven for doing your conscience, and I am sent to hell for not doing mine, will you come with me, for fellowship?”

What exactly is More talking about here, and with such strong language?  For a simple explanation of conscience, let’s remember what we learned from Pinochio:  it tells us  what’s right and wrong.  A more poetic description is found in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, describing it as “a law…not laid upon himself but which he must obey.   Its voice, ever calling him to love and to do what is good and to avoid evil, sounds in his heart at
the right moment…  For man has in his heart a law inscribed by God”  (paragraph #1776).

Our nation has always valued our freedom to follow our conscience, making religious freedom the first in the Bill of Rights and historically respecting the individual’s right to practice their faith.  Archbishop Timothy Dolan

explained just how broad a spectrum there is in the U.S. in his recent editorial in The Wall Street Journal, saying, “The Amish do not carry health insurance.  The government respects their  principles.  Christian Scientists want to heal by prayer alone…  Quakers and others object to killing even in wartime, and the
government respects that principle for conscientious objectors”. 

 

The topic of conscience and religious freedom has been in the news a lot these past few weeks, especially with regards to the Catholic Church’s teachings on contraception and the nationwide mandate for Contraception and sterilization coverage.  While people may disagree with what the Catholic Church—or any faith—teaches, the right to follow one’s conscience is fundamental. James Madison, in defending the First Amendment, explained that “conscience is the most sacred of all property”.  The concerns currently being raised by the Catholic Church are not about imposing their beliefs on others, but about being free to follow their own beliefs and be good servants of God.